First Page Critique/Workshop: THE FAITHFUL (Fantasy)

THE FAITHFUL

FANTASY

Critiquer: Sharon M. Johnston

 

Raine Morgan, tired of waiting, pulled a crushed pack from his front pocket, fished a twisted cigarette from it. Flame flickered then vanished. He took a drag, stared at the line of bars, the neon flashing above, calling the shuffling drunkards and wannabes out into the dead of night for some faintly promised tail. He scoffed, leaving a fresh trail of smoke diving from his open mouth.

Not the type to hide while the bigwigs fumbled around to find their assholes, he didn’t need to worry – Keir knew exactly how and where to shit.

Grasping the watch chain with one hand, he tugged on it, checked the time, and shoved the piece back in his pocket with a sigh, letting the jacket fall over the olive vest.

“Mr. Morgan,” said a soft, earnest, nervous voice.

Raine didn’t turn. Leaning into the brick, he let his hand drop, replied, “Where to tonight?”

“The Deserted Temple.”

“The target?”

“Manal Ratula.”

He nodded, flicked his cigarette into a mound of trash as he walked forward, bathed in pinks, oranges, and flashing blues. The heat of the bodies struck him as the night’s bitter cold came to a head. He pushed away the needling sensation at his limbs, turning round a corner, coming to a stop at a rundown dive. Its shattered windows glittered with candlelight, a whisper creeping through the winking panes.

He slipped in the door, letting the hot air waft over him like a decomposing lover.

I really wanted more umph out the first sentence. The multiple commas and the subject matter doesn’t grab me. The best advice I’ve seen from agents/editor is don’t open you story with mundane activities, and someone having a cigarette is definitely doing that. However the voice in the opening is fantastic, very fresh and original so I wouldn’t lose it, just rework it. You need to open with a strong hook that draws the reader in and makes them want to read more. Be bold. He’s got targets, maybe something around that would be stronger.

The second par introducing the name Keir without giving the reader any context. It’s possible that this occurs later on, but I’m not a fan of this tactic. I prefer to understand snippets of characters as they’re introduced, at a minimum in context to the MC.

He was a chain watch! Very cool. Love the imagery that creates for me with the character.

Again there’s another character introduced with no context. We don’t even know the gender of the person. I’m left to wonder what Raine thinks of the person. Some reaction from the MC would help the reader in the situation. What does Raine think of the person’s voice? Is he disgusted by the person? Does he think the person is a pawn or a vital link I’m the chain? I also felt three descriptions of the voice was getting too many. 

In the dialogue there’s mention of a deserted temple, but I have no idea where this is located yet? You can easily slip in a location in the sentence that talks about the bars.

I love the description in the next paragraph, it’s so raw. The only thing that struck me was the heat from the bodies bit, would you really feel them unless people were jam packed together? I live in a warm climate so haven’t experienced that level of cold much, but the science of it makes me wonder. I’m also intrigued here on how someone who starts off so confident is suddenly gripped by anxiety. Loving the complexity of the character. But I did feel this could be expanded into two pars. I wanted to know more about the impact of the assignment on him, what happens with the voice (were there footsteps receding, or no noise, how did he know there wasn’t more – he needs to share this with the reader).

While I love the poeticness of the last line at the same time ewww! Who know what a decomposing lover is like?! But it does fit the sinister theme of the story thus far so if you see it as an important part of your voice in the story then leave it in.

I like the tension that’s starting. You’ve done well to create a seedy underground feel. I just want a bit more to help me connect with the plot and MC. Well done. 

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If you have any thoughts or questions, the comments are open, but please keep it constructive. No douchebaggery allowed.

First Page Critique/Workshop: TO SAVE MY LIFE (YA Science Fiction)

TO SAVE MY LIFE

YA SCIENCE FICTION

Critiquer: Molly Lee

If I failed this test they’d deem me as faulty, malfunctioned.

Broken.

You’d think after six-hundred and fifty-seven days of existence, This is a great line, very intriguing I’d be used to the tests by now. But there was no getting used to tests These are slightly repetitive and slow the pace down. An easy fix would be to go straight into “I couldn’t study for them, let alone understand them. They were…” I couldn’t study for, let alone understand. They were just a series of ominous assessments and all I knew was this: I had to pass.

I stood outside door three-fifty-eight. There wasn’t anything special about it.  I only say strike this because if there isn’t anything special about it there is no need to point it out. It doesn’t add anything to the paragraph except precious word count space and you always need places to cut from during edits. Lines like these are easiest because by cutting them you make your paragraph and the pace stronger. The silver, shiny surface looked like all the rest. It was what lay behind the door that mattered. And when it opened and I stepped inside, all the resolve I’d been grasping slid away from me.

The man moving forward was nearly the same height as me. His face was square and he wore small-framed glasses. I spared a second to wonder why he hadn’t corrected his imperfect vision with surgery. But then he smiled, reached out his hand, and I stopped thinking about everything else.

“Hello, Aiden. I’m Chief Carter.” He shook my hand firmly. “I’ve been waiting a long time to meet you.”

“I certainly hope I don’t disappoint you, sir.”

He chuckled like what I said was funny and his smile widened. There was something wrong about his smile though. These get slightly repetitive as well. Easy fix is to replace this last one (or whichever one you’d like) with “it.”  It was stretched too thin, the ends too crooked. “As do I. Please, you can call me Carter.”

I nodded. I’d heard his name before but I’d never heard anyone refer to him as Carter. It seemed too friendly for him, with his off-centered grin and narrowed eyes.

Not a bad opening! I’m instantly intrigued by the line about how many days he’s been in “existence” and I like the word choices to illustrate the ScFi aspect: “Malfunctioned, Broken,” etc. I also appreciate that there are stakes right away–the MC has a test he must pass or he’ll be deemed as broken.

 Now the key is to making the reader care about the MC and if he passes or not, which should be established pretty quickly within the following pages I assume. We get a little bit of sympathy for him out of his line about not wanting to disappoint the Chief, but I’m sure more endearing qualities crop up soon to really get us connected to Aiden. :) Good job!

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If you have any thoughts or questions, the comments are open, but please keep it constructive. No douchebaggery allowed.

First Page Critique/Workshop: ANGELS AND DEMONS (Fantasy/Steampunk)

ANGELS AND DEMONS

FANTASY/STEAMPUNK

Critiquer: K.T. Hanna

 

He stepped around the body of the wailing child’s dying father. (Can you make it clear that he’s not in the same room as the infant? EG: He stepped around the body of the child’s dying father, intent on finding the baby.) The infant’s lungs expelled distress, possibly fear, though he wasn’t sure if the baby was capable of such emotion. The noise climbed in pitch, feverish and unceasing. (You can combine these last two sentences. Cut them, make more impact. Distress and fear colored the infant’s feverish cry as the volume climbed.)

House creaking in disrepair, he walked through it, following the sound. (Which sound is this? The house creaking, the baby wailing?) Smoking candles barely lit the faded wallpaper and stained carpet of the once opulent brownstone. The doors cried for grease, demanding toll, as he passed through one room and then another. (This is a round about way to say the door’s hinges need oiling. Demanding toll sounds like a stretch. He ignored the state of disrepair as he passed through each room on his way to the back of the house.)

At the back of the house, In a windowless and low ceilinged sitting room, he found her. A nurse clutched her so tight he was surprised the child could force noise from her lungs. (In a windowless, low ceilinged sitting room, he found the nurse clutching the child so tight it was surprising it made any noise at all). The woman whimpered as the door creaked open.

Taking in the scene, he paused, uncertainty halting his progress. The woman’s nurse’s distress filled the space, a mix of sweat and panic, but no tears. She watched his feet, eyes rising slowly to take him in. A floppy lace cap slid from damp brown curls, plump frame shaking when she saw the blood.

“Do you know how to quiet her?”

The nurse retreated into a distant corner. (does she scramble? If her eyes rose, then wasn’t she sitting, so retreating would be better described as scrambling, or crawling).

“I didn’t  come here to kill her.” He hesitated. “Or you.”

Coming into the room he raised a hand, palm up. The nurse shook her head, mouth working but no words coming came out. She cradled the screaming child, sheltering protecting (I think in this case, protecting is the better choice) the baby with her body.

“Give her to me.” He edged closer, both arms extended. There were no weapons in his hands, though they were covered in blood. ( Depending on what this leads into, it might be better to end this section with impact. “Give her to me.” He edged closer and held out his blood drenched hands.)

Overall you’ve I can see you’re trying to provide sensory details, a nice setting for the story to start in. There are a few areas where the words are cumbersome and detract from the overall effect. One question I have is: Is the father dead or not? Does it make a difference later in the story. Because otherwise the corpse of the baby’s father would give that first line so much more impact. Still though, I’m not sure of the story’s direction, so it’s just a question.

Especially with the last line, I find the story premise intriguing. I’d just recommend going through and with every sentence asking yourself: Does this really contribute to the overall story. Good luck! It’s a promising start

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If you have any thoughts or questions, the comments are open, but please keep it constructive. No douchebaggery allowed.

First Page Critique/Workshop: WALL OF KNIVES (Alternate History)

WALL OF KNIVES

ALTERNATE HISTORY

Critiquer: Nazarea Andrews

 

The Lady Shindao:

If tales are to be believed, then those of whom the tales are told are, from the beginning, set on a course as sure and unwavering as that of the sun from rise to set.  But I tell you this: for those about whom the tales are told, ‘destiny’ is nothing more than the weaving of circumstances and events by those with the advantage of hindsight. Despite what the stories say, before my birth no seer foretold in an ominous voice that I would in time be a worker of the Great Magic.  No storm or falling star accompanied my birth. No sign was seen that in my life I would be revered as a goddess and savior of my people. No portent that in my life I would also be reviled as the most evil of sorceresses. All the same, these things came to pass.

Shindao, Lady Xiul, chronicled in a Jian dynasty document. This passage is difficult to crit, because I get that it’s an excerpt. I will say you’re being repetitious. You don’t need The Lady Shindao AND the end sentence—I’d pick one. Also in your first sentence, you use tales twice. It pulled me out of the narrative—switch one to another word. Or cut the second one completely. The last third of the paragraph is also repetitive (no stor, no sign, no portent) but I think it works.

 

Chapter One

Ninghou Province, River Moon in the Year of Perfect Accord.

Six hundred times or more in her life had Shindao Word order makes this awkward. Try Shindao had trod the well-worn stone floors of the Temple, her hands clasped in the gesture of humility appropriate to a Novice, the bottoms of her feet stained with the sacred ochre. Six hundred times or more she’d knelt in front of the Great Visage of The Beloved One, making her offering of sweet smelling smoke before touching her forehead to the floor and waiting, rapt in joy to hear the Voice. Again, repetition. We know she’s done it six hundred times or more. So you don’t need to restate it.

There is a lot here that intrigues me. I’d like to know more and I like your style of writing. That said, I think your hook could be stronger. The first portion is strong—but when you start with Chapter 1, your doing set up instead of actually hooking us into the story. Does that make sense? Still—it’s very strong and I enjoyed it. Best of luck!!

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If you have any thoughts or questions, the comments are open, but please keep it constructive. No douchebaggery allowed.

First Page Critique/Workshop: THE BLOOD ORB (MG Fantasy)

THE BLOOD ORB

MG FANTASY

Critiquer: Brenda Drake

 

A sniffling nose, a quick tug of covers, a soft plea.  This doesn’t hook. I have no idea who or what is sniffling.  

“They’re not real.” What’s not real? Parker Ward groaned and sat up. Is he the one sniffling and stuff? The bedsprings squeaked as his little sister curled beside him. Or is she the one sniffling and stuff?  “Let’s go look under your bed. There’s nothing there.” Maybe save this comment for when they discover there’s nothing there or modify it. “I’m certain there’s nothing there.” Or something like it.  

 

Bonny burrowed closer. Closer to what?  “Bonnie burrowed closer to my side.” 

Above the lacey edge of her nightshirt, shallow cuts and dried blood marred her pale throat. “Bonny, your neck. What happened?” This is great – love how you give the details of the shirt and then the condition of Bonny’s skin.

She answered with tears. Parker wiped her cheeks with the edge of his blanket. Love this! 

“You’re hurt. Tell me what happened.” Are they moving? Where are they going? Show us them moving to where ever they’re going. “We padded over the squeaky floor boards and I pulled her to a stop, listening to see if we woke anyone.” Something like that. 

She jerked away, shaking her head back and forth. Usually shaking your head is back and forth, unless you’re nodding, and then it’s up and down. So basically, this is not needed. 

“Okay. Stop.” Parker sighed. He was thirteen. How was he supposed to know how to handle this? “You don’t have to tell me tonight. But you do need to tell me.” He tucked her head under his chin. Another moment looking into her teary eyes would break him. She seemed perfectly fine during the day. Perfectly fine, not perfectly normal. Love your writing but I’m missing emotion here. How does Parker feel about all this? About Bonnie being hurt all the time? Add some of the sense to this scene. Is it cold getting out bed? Do they make any noise?  

For three years, Parker had kept a spare blanket draped over his footboard, awaiting her nightly arrival. Over the last month, welts appeared on her arms and legs, deep scratches on her shoulder. Was this really the misadventures of an active girl? Had someone done this to her? It sure wasn’t their cat, as Mom insisted. Nor an ogre, werewolf, or any other flavor of creature his little sister might dream up. Were their father still alive, it’d be different. Dad would have gotten to the bottom of it. Since his death, Parker’s role had changed, taking up the slack, caring for his nine-year-old sister and the farm. As for their mother, Parker didn’t want to think about her. This just interrupts and pulls us out of the action. Maybe introduce it to us in smaller chunks throughout the story. 

Bonny crawled to the foot of the bed and curled up at his feet. So I thought she already burrowed close to him and they were walking to go check under her bed. Her sniffles softened, then stopped. He never understood why she didn’t just sleep beside him. But then, he’d learned a long time ago, to stop asking questions about her strange quirks. Parker closed his eyes and fell into a dreamless sleep. He falls asleep too fast here. Maybe have him think a few lines form the paragraph above here?

This is wonderfully written and you’re very talented. Several sentences evoke lovely images. This scene just didn’t hook me and make me want to read on. Are you sure that you’re starting the story in the right place? If her nightly visits are important to the story, maybe you can show us what happens before this scene. Him hearing his sister scream, and then she rushes in. Something before the sniffles? Or is there somewhere further in the story that would be a better hook to start with?  

By the title and the age of the character, I’m assuming this is middle grade. If so, the voice is sounding too old, even if it’s a historical something or other. I’d work on using verbs and attitude to get the right MG voice for this. Sort of like this … 

“Not again.” Parker Ward groaned and sat up, digging his fists into his eyes. “They’re not real, Bonnie. Go back to bed.” The bedsprings squeaked as his little sister curled beside him, sniffling. His shoulders sagged. “Oh, all right, let’s go look under your bed.”  

Of course something better in your voice, and with a deeper point of view, using action, decision, thought, and emotion.

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If you have any thoughts or questions, the comments are open, but please keep it constructive. No douchebaggery allowed.

First Page Critique/Workshop: SOCIETY OF NIGHT AND LIES (Urban Fantasy)

SOCIETY OF NIGHT AND LIES

URBAN FANTASY

Critiquer: Rebecca Weston

It was a quiet night at the Other Side Bar and Grill. The usual patrons were coming and going about their business, some playing pool while others drank their miseries away. Outside, it was raining, unusual for the time of year, but it was welcomed. (I don’t feel like these opening sentences are doing much for you, to be honest. They’re too generic to be really hook-worthy.) The black pantheress sat in a booth across the room, while sipping at a drink she really didn’t want, and idly watching a pool game she wasn’t really interested in. (This is a better sentence to open with. Talking about a black pantheress sitting in a bar is more attention-grabbing as it immediately makes us go, “Wait…a what now?”) As she watched, a stranger entered the bar, tall, lean, and wearing a cloak from out of some medieval game. (“Some medieval game” isn’t sitting right with me. It feels awkward – like you don’t want to all-out describe the cloak but you don’t want to name-drop Dungeons & Dragons either. I’m wondering if you even need it.)

He went to the bar and called the bartender – a large older bear - over, a large older bear, to give him an envelope; it was plain and white, typical of anyone’s general office supplies with only one name written on it: Sabrina. The bear looked at the name then looked up to the stranger, but he was already gone, only the edge of his cloak was seen as he left. The bear shrugged then waved one of the waitresses over, murmuring to her to watch over the register while he took the envelope to its owner.

“Ree, this came for you,” said the older bear as he dropped the envelope onto the pantheress’ table.  For a bear his size, he was surprisingly quiet, even in the general noise of the bar. (The “even if…” doesn’t make sense. If the bar is noisy, you’d expect moving quietly would be easy because the rest of the chatter would cover it up.) Even for his age, the old bear he (Careful not to reuse certain phrases or words or labels to often. Redundancy can make the voice choppy.) looked muscular beneath his clothes and pelt though middle age was certainly showing around his midsection.  Not even his loose button up shirt with its old drink stains and faded stripe pattern, nor the tightly belted brown slacks, or the dingy apron tied around his waist could hide this simple fact of a life less active than what it used to be.

Overall, I’d say it sets a pretty good scene for the first 250 words. I’m intrigued enough by this possibility of animals-as-humans that I’d keep reading, although I’d hope to start getting a clearer picture of what was going on pretty quickly in the next few pages to avoid frustration. e.g., Are these really animals-as-humans or is it some play on words? Is everybody there one of them? Was the stranger one of them since he was never described as either animal or human?

Actually – that might be a good way to start giving us a hint is to give us a clearer description of the stranger. If you straight-up designate him as a human, that’s pretty non-invasive but gives the reader a clue as to what the setup is.  I’d also suggest maybe giving us some hints about the voice and thoughts of the pantheress as she watches this little drop-off take place – assuming, of course, that she’s a POV character.

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If you have any thoughts or questions, the comments are open, but please keep it constructive. No douchebaggery allowed.

Query Critique/Workshop: KEEP YOUR EYES ON ME (YA Contemporary)

KEEP YOUR EYES ON ME

YA CONTEMPORARY

Critiquer: Krista Van Dolzer

 

I am seeking representation for KEEP YOUR EYES ON ME, a XX,XXXX word YA Contemporary novel written as a dual narrative. I have selected you specifically because [INSERT REASON HERE]. Not sure why you didn’t include the actual word count, but it should have a hyphen: “a 65,000-word YA Contemporary novel.”

Seven months ago, eighteen-year-old Roland Cruze was involved in a car accident that left a twelve-year-old boy dead. “Was involved” is less specific than it could be. How exactly was he involved? I suspect he was driving the car, in which case you could say something like “Seven months ago, eighteen-year-old Roland Cruze hit and killed a young boy.” That’s still kind of rough, but I think a blunt, straightforward statement would make more of an impact here. Now Roland is determined to make things right, lingering on Folton Road Bridge, the most popular suicide spot in the city. If he can just save one person, maybe he’ll feel whole again.  After several failed attempts, his family intervenes by enrolling him in therapy and encouraging him to volunteer at a suicide hotline center instead. Still, it never feels like enough. If only he could find the one he’s meant to save, then maybe he could step away from his own ledge. I think you could streamline this paragraph, say the same thing in fewer words. Also, some of the wording confused me. What are the failed attempts? At first, I thought you meant he failed to keep several people from committing suicide, but then the last line made me wonder if he’s the one attempting suicide…

For seventeen-year-old Candace Callihan, life is about living in the shadows, not on the bridges. I’d cut “not on the bridges.” I get that you’re trying to connect back to the first paragraph, but this connection feels like a stretch. She can never seem to get out from under her famous mother’s judgmental stare. But when she’s forced to keep an ugly secret for her mother, it makes her question everything she’s ever believed in. I’d rewrite this sentence. What’s the ugly secret she’s keeping for her mother? Here again, I think you can be more specific. Also, “it makes her question everything she’s ever believed in” is a bit cliche.  There is no other choice though but to hold onto it when spilling it will tear her family apart. I don’t think you need this sentence; it’s kind of redundant. If you define the secret better, this will be implied, anyway.

When Candace and Roland end up at the same party one summer night, they enter into an unconventional card game that forces them to reveal things ranging from embarrassing facts to their darkest feelings. Why “forces”? They still have a choice, right? Throughout the summer, they repeatedly reconnect at the same house and soon realize each other’s defining downfall: Candace is screaming to find her voice but never makes a sound and Roland is broken but doesn’t want to let anyone fix it. Why do they keep reconnecting at this house? Is the house really that significant? Confronting each other just might be the thing that saves them both - or that pushes them over the edge.

KEEP YOUR EYES ON ME is a story about hitting rock-bottom and what it takes to uncover your own voice and earn redemption on the way back up. You don’t need to tell us what your story’s about, since you’ve already shown us in the preceding paragraphs. I’d cut this or, better yet, relocate the word count and genre to this paragraph: “KEEP YOUR EYES ON ME is a 65,000-word YA Contemporary novel written as a dual narrative.” It will appeal to readers of SEA OF TRANQUILITY by Katja Millay and PUSHING THE LIMITS by Katie McGarry.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Per your submission guidelines, I have included XXXX for your review. I would be happy to send a partial or a full manuscript upon your request. I’d cut everything but “Thank you for your time and consideration.” Agents know what their submission guidelines are, and they’ll be able to scroll down for themselves and see if you’ve followed them. Similarly, they assume you’d be happy to send them a partial or full, so it goes without saying. Queries are business letters, but they’re a very specific kind of business letter, and you can dispense with a lot of the formalities that you include in other kinds.

On the whole, I think you’ve done a good job of setting up your characters’ respective predicaments, but right now, that’s all you’ve done. I’m not getting a strong sense of how the actual story unfolds. I want to hear more about specific plot points and how they relate to one another–that is, how each plot point causes the next one. You don’t have to include every plot point, of course, but if you can connect some of the dots in a believable way that clearly shows how the conflict escalates, your query’s going to garner many requests. Good luck!

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If you have any thoughts or questions, the comments are open, but please keep it constructive. No douchebaggery allowed.

Query Critique/Workshop: MIGHTY MIKE AND THE ALIEN PEZ DISPENSER (MG Science Fiction)

MIGHTY MIKE AND THE ALIEN PEZ DISPENSER

MG SCIENCE FICTION/ADVENTURE

Critiquer: Michelle Painchaud

 

While hiding from the school bully, eleven-year-old Mike meets Grimon, a poorly disguised, blue alien who’s been assigned to learn if humans could visit other worlds without turning orange or hiccupping forever.

Dedicated to all things Science and Science Fiction, Mike jumps at the chance to help. Testing super-power infused alien candies could help him defeat his tormentors. After all, he needs his nose in its normal shape and location since he’s pretty sure NASA’s astronaut program requires breathing.

Between flying, belching zoo-animal noises, and hiding from government agents determined to capture Grimon, Mike will have to choose between becoming a bully himself and learning what it means to be a real superhero.

MIGHTY MIKE AND THE ALIEN PEZ DISPENSER is a Middlegrade Sci-Fi/Adventure, complete at 44k. It should appeal to those who enjoy the quirky humor of Nathan Bransford’s Jacob Wonderbar series.

First of all, can I say how cute and amazing this sounds already? Your query is tight and hits all the right points.

I think you need to start with a stronger opening. We need to know about Mike. I’m thinking something along the lines of; “When wannabe NASA astronaut Mike discovers a blue alien in his school who wants to test humans for their ability to live on other worlds, he offers to help. Testing alien candy might just give him the edge over his bullies, and the orange creamsicle taste isn’t so bad either!”

“But helping Grimon isn’t all flying around and burping animal noises – government baddies want to capture Grimon at all costs. To protect his newfound alien friend, will Mike have to become a superhero and face the scariest bullies ever.”

Feel free to use any of that if you like it!

All in all, we just need a little clarification of what Mike is like, what his troubles are, before we dive into the discovery of the alien! In addition, we need more tension and relation to Mike’s struggle. Since it’s so short it’s hard to crit, but I feel like it’s almost there. You’ve got a great query that just needs beefing up in a few right places, namely at the beginning when establishing who Mike is, and at the end establishing what challenges he’ll face and why he’ll decide to face them (friendship). I feel like you danced around it in your first draft, but you just need to word it more clearly. Hopefully the sample sentences I’ve written here help you in some way!

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If you have any thoughts or questions, the comments are open, but please keep it constructive. No douchebaggery allowed.

Query Critique/Workshop: CATALYST (Fantasy)

CATALYST

FANTASY

Critiquer: Rebecca Weston

 

Sachi is destined to die: (Nice, strong opening line.) she is the catalyst for the Undoing, and her final task is to seal her people’s power away in the Eye of Kash. But the Eye is located in the heart of the Kashtophim Empire, and it’s not a matter of if she’s caught, but when. (And then everything gets confusing. You throw a lot of world-building terms out there all at once, and none of them mean anything to me, so it’s hard to get wrapped up in the stakes. What’s the Undoing? What’s the Eye of Kash? What happens if she doesn’t seal the power away? And if the Eye is so important, why is it in this other empire?)

When she reaches the Eye, she is captured by the head judge, Taphim. He earned his authority by annihilating her “lesser race,” but now he is haunted by the blood on his hands. In a desperate gamble to save Sachi, (and to redeem his own soul, I assume? It doesn’t seem to be about Sachi so much as making up for his sins. But if Sachi dying is so important to her people, does preventing her somehow endanger her people again?) he hides her away as his mistress. They weren’t supposed to actually fall in love.

Then Taphim’s power-hungry son, Zanis, discovers their affair and captures Sachi so he can blackmail his father. Zanis gives his father an ultimatum: he must appoint his son as his successor and execute Sachi with his own hands, or Zanis will expose the affair. (I feel like Zanis makes bad ultimatums. I mean, what happens if Zanis exposes the affair that would be WORSE than having to kill a woman he loves? I’d be tempted to take my chances with the scandal if I were him.)

Trapped in this living nightmare, Taphim finds an unexpected ally already at his side – his wife, Zareja. (I really like this element. A lot.) But it may be too late to save Sachi.

My 80,000-word novel, Catalyst, is a complete, adult fantasy, Complete at 80,000 words, CATALYST is a fantasy novel that explores the intricacies of genocide, cultural revolution, and destiny. It is the first in a planned series. CATALYST also won first place in the Science Fiction/Fantasy/Horror novel category in the 2013 Oklahoma Writer’s Federation, Inc. contest. I am a member of the same organization. (Very solid closing.)

So the trickiest part of queries is trying to highlight the unique elements of your book without getting TOO detailed, and I really appreciate that you’re trying to keep this simple and not-too-wordy. That being said, we need a few more details. We definitely need to know why it’s so important that Sachi performs the Undoing and what happens to her people if she doesn’t because that part is kind of forgotten in the second half of the query. Personally, as a reader, I’m less concerned with Taphim’s situation and more concerned about how Sachi’s current state of not-dying is affecting all of the others. 

We need a few more details about what’s going on with this world and what some of these terms you’re using mean so that we can be grounded enough to really feeling the rising stakes.

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If you have any thoughts or questions, the comments are open, but please keep it constructive. No douchebaggery allowed.

Query Critique/Workshop: AVERAGE SIMON (Upper MG)

AVERAGE SIMON

UPPER MG

Critiquer: Marieke Nijkamp

 

Twelve-year-old Simon Hall is about to discover that he’s extraordinary. Too bad extraordinary is the last thing he wants to be. All he wants is to keep his head down and fit in. And if he could walk home from school, just once, without bullies dogging him the whole way–well, that would just be frosting. [Love this last sentence! I am pretty sure you can condense this paragraph to one sentence. "If twelve-year-old Simon Hall could walk home from school, just once, without bullies dogging him the whole way--well, that would just be frosting." Or even, ideally, merge it with the start of the next paragraph, to streamline it a bit more!]

When tragedy turns Simon’s life upside down [be specific. What happens?] and he moves to a new town, he’s determined to transform himself from a bullied “freak-boy” to an average kid. Is it any surprise that his bizarre powers pick that moment to show up and ruin all his plans? [no rhetorical questions. Definitely not when the answer is so obvious Consider: "Of course, right at that moment his bizarre powers..." However, this implies the bizarre powers are known to him, instead of something new. Does he know? and immediately ask yourself: does the reader know? Can the reader know? If that's not the case, and it's so integral to the plot, explain.] After roughly three minutes, [Cute, but not necessary.] Simon realizes that [telling, just start the sentence here -->] reinventing himself will be impossible [can you make this more voicey?] if stuff blows up every time he claps his hands. So, he does the only thing he can. He ignores them [who or what is them? The way you've structured this, it doesn't refer to anything] and hopes they go away.

But the more he ignores his powers, the more unpredictable they become. [Can you make this more specific? Maybe give an example to illustrate?] If he’s ever going to fit in, he needs to figure out how to get them under control. Fast. That’s where Ana comes in. [Okay, I'd cut the rest of this paragraph and describe Ana a) without Simon "telling" it (Simon thinks, Simon says, Simon considers, etc) and b) without a mysterious reason Simon can't quite crasp, because that comes across as a bit lazy. "Stuff happens."] Simon thinks she’s kind of weird and tries to push her away, but Ana insists that they are meant to be friends. For some reason he can’t quite grasp, he knows she’s right.  She also happens to be the one person who can  help him manage his unmanageable powers.

With the prodding of his precocious new friend, Simon starts on the path of learning to master his special abilities for the sole purpose of never using them. [LOVE] That is, until a dangerous stranger shows up and threatens everything he holds dear. If Simon can’t successfully embrace who he is, his life and the lives of everyone he loves will be cut tragically short.  It’s time for Simon to step up and accept: when you’re extraordinary, being average just isn’t an option. [Also, very strong. Great last paragraph! Again, if you can be more specific, please do, but this is pretty ace already!]

Average Simon is a 60K word, upper MG novel that will appeal to fans of the Daniel Corrigan series by Matthew Cody, as well as fans of Barry Lyga’s Archvillian. I am a member of SCBWI. Average Simon is my first novel.

I love the idea you have here, but the query as a whole feels a bit long and too general. Especially because there are many books about bullies and bizarre powers, as a reader I want to know two things, specifically: a) what sets this story apart from the books already out there? b) why should I care?

 

Now I know the second question can sound pretty harsh, but think of it this way: you’re inviting the reader to go on a journey with Simon. A journey of some 300 pages. Now I don’t know about you, but when I spend so much time with someone, I want to like them. As such, I want to know who Simon is and why I should invest in him. You give me great hints of that (Simon wanting to be as normal as possible, the wanting to reinvent himself, the “that would be frosting!”) but I’m still not quite clear who *he* is. Be more specific about the tragedy (because that will give us an idea of what *happens* to Simon) but also ask yourself: what does he want and *why* does he want it? No more bullying, sure, but who does he want to be if he’s not bullied anymore?

 

The funny thing is, when you’ve answered that question, you’re a long way toward answering the first question too. Because in my experience, in the vast majority of cases, the characters set the story apart But I also think you need to be more specific. Focus on the most important storyline (bullied boy wants to use [traumatic event and resulting move] to reinvent himself as average kid. too bad freaky powers show up) and add as much voice to it as you can. Is Simon the type of kid who accidentally blows up his locker or his school bag, or does he accidentally blow up his game collection? His rare mint comic? The tyres of the old bike his dad fixed? Is Ana the girl with the freckles on her nose or the girl who can outrun any of the boys? Why does Simon think she’s weird, and how does that make him feel about being friends with her?

 

Of course you need to be (very) aware of balancing the details you give, because you don’t want to overwhelm the reader. But you do want to give your story personality. You have a great idea here already, I’m sure you can make it shine!

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If you have any thoughts or questions, the comments are open, but please keep it constructive. No douchebaggery allowed.