Once upon a time, I wrote a post about perfecting your pitch for #TheWritersVoice pitch party. With a brand-new pitch party coming up for #PitchMadness this Thursday, the 13th, I thought it might be beneficial to give everyone a new space in which to workshop their pitches.
First of all, if you’re totally at a loss, go back and read the previous post I linked to – not because my advice is quite so awesome, but more because there are links to some great posts on the topic that are much more intelligent than mine.
If you think you’re ready to give it a whirl, post your pitch in the comments to solicit thoughts/critique from others. Reminder: Best etiquette is to give, not just take. If you want to get feedback on your pitch, it would be super-awesome if you would then also help out others with theirs.
Have at it, lovely peoples!
For Lilly, life unfolds according to God’s Plan. But after befriending Parker, his insight into free will entices Lilly to rediscover who’s really in control of her life, and the risk of falling in love with him.
Jennifer,
I’ve been thinking on this one. It’s sooo hard to make suggestions off of so little. I feel like I need higher stakes. Feel free to throw some sentences around on here and I’ll say which jump out at me.
my main question is–what does she have to lose?
Thank you, Amber.
Writing this query in the first place has caused me so much trouble, so it makes sense that it’s lacking here too. So, as far as stakes, “although fascinating, Parker is abusing drugs in an attempt to escape a deadbeat mother and a Christian extremist father.” If Lilly can’t help Parker, she will lose him. Then, she realizes, you have to help yourself, and the strength to help yourself “can’t help but inspire others to live with purpose.”
The main idea is that we, as people, have the power to chose our pathway — so make it a good one.
I am guessing you are over the 140 character limit. I’m trying to think of how you can streamline it a bit. I’m not sure if this is correct to your book, I am taking a guess based on the pitch but maybe something like:
God’s plan for Lily’s life doesn’t include falling in love with Parker, but giving in to free will might throw her off track.
It’s not great, but might stir some thoughts to help you cut the character count to under 140.
Hope it helps a little.
Oh, darn it. I totally forgot about 140 characters. Thank you for reminding me!
We have to leave room for the hash tag too? Oh, great.
Hmm, maybe something like–
Lilly tries to save Parker from his drug addictions. But when her faith unravels, she’ll be the one who needs saving…. Eeek–so bad! I don’t know
this one’s hard.
I know! I’ve been working on this query for years. Thank you for trying, though!
Befriending drug abuser Parker makes fate-devotee Lilly question if life is something we design for ourselves, or if fate is written out for each and every one of us.
Whoops, too long:
Befriending drug abuser Parker entices Lilly to question if free will shapes our lives, or if life unfolds according to fate #pitmad
I like this one, but I’m not sure “entices” works… Maybe “causes” would work better. Good luck
I like this one much better. I think causes might be a better choice too. Nice job!
I love watching this rewrite in action. Is there a stronger word than “befriending” since in the first version, it states she falls in love with him. (“Falling for…?”) Intriguing story.
yeah-falls for sounds good.
When befriending drug abuser Parker, Lilly questions if free will shapes our lives, or if life unfolds according to fate. (?)
I’ve been practicing on twitter using the hashtag. It’s helped in a different way.
I think you have an interesting idea here, but it’s a bit long. Also, I don’t think I’m enticed enough to keep reading. The stakes don’t come across, for me personally, as very high. Now, that might just be me =). I’d see if you can up the stakes a bit and perhaps give us a bit more to go on. Why does God come into it for this character? And why does Parker seem important?
Since the version you read was too long, I tried condensing it. What do you think of this version:
Befriending drug abuser Parker causes Lilly to question if life unfolds according to fate, or if free will shapes our lives
I think that’s better! Since you have room to fiddle with words, I think I’d add a little bit. Perhaps: “After befriending drug abuser…” or “After befriending a drug abuser, Lily begins to question…” something like that.
After befriending a drug abuser, Lilly questions if life unfolds according to fate, or if free will shapes our lives.
12 y/o Hooper must go from halfwit to hero when he finds a map, a jar of purple dust, and a mission-to save Peter Pan.
Is the hashtag #PitMad? Just want to make sure I leave room for it
Hello, Meredith! I would personally like to know a little more about his transition from halfwit to hero. What is at stake for this character?
Hi Meredith,
I like this, but would rearrange.
When Hooper finds a map and a jar of purple dust, he will have to ___ if he’s to save Peter Pan. (But I feel like I am a pitch idiot–so take my advice with a JAR of salt
Yes, the hashtag is #PitMad so you need to make sure your 140 characters includes the hashtag. Added level of difficulty, I Know. ;
Interesting. I think I would at least ask for the synposis on this one, since it makes me “hrm…what’s next?”
That sounds fantastic
Amber will stop at nothing to make sure she’s the last victim in a string of rapes. If the system can’t ensure that, a gun will.
This is enticing and direct – and I love it.
Agreed!
Agreed.
Well, I totally get a feel for your book. I know the stakes, that the MC has a kick-a## attitude and what her goal is. Nice job.
OMG, is this on #CAGI???? If it is one in the same, just wow.
Yeah Meredith, it’s #1
did you see it? Is yours on there?
YES! I commented. It gave me chills. I would be surprised if you don’t get some bites on this. Just wow. This particular pitch is not on #CAGI, but my other is #28.
Thanks everyone! I’m not even sure if I can enter the pitch contest, since it’s a memoir.
@Becca… Are there genre limitations on twitter? I know I couldn’t enter nonfic in the blog contest.
All fiction genres are open.
That should be “all genre fiction is welcome” – LOL
Drats! I’m out… But I’ll be shaking my pom-poms on the sidelines
Nice. I’d ask for more, because I want to know more about her feelings.
I don’t blame her one bit! Nicely done
When working on a Twitter Pitch, remember you don’t have to have everything. You just have to entice the agents to ask for more.
Here’s an example of a twitter pitch. It’s my MG, which in on submission.
MG – Two kids use a magical globe to transport around the world to find a missing father with evil men in an airship on their tails. #PitMad
It’s just enough of a taste of the story.
You make it look so easy
Must de-clutter my brain and think simple! I can’t wait to see this in print!
Nice! You do make it look easy, lol! I certainly would want more from that.
Love the concept – magical globe
Good luck!
Here’s mine: A green light and a drunk driver; that was all it took to send Jimmy’s life into a tailspin
I might add “unobservant” before drunk driver, just to clarify that it was a drunk driver who hit him. At first, I wasn’t sure what the green light was referring to (silly of me, but true) and then wasn’t sure who hit who in the accident. Unobservant drunk driver, to me, tells me that the drunk driver hit Jimmy – leaving no room for “Did Jimmy somehow hit the drunk driver and is being sued somehow? TWIST?!”
I hadn’t thought of that! When I popped it into the Twitter box to check, with the hashtag, I still have 40 characters left to fiddle with =), so I can play with it for sure.
I like it, but why not make it more concise? “A green light and an unobservant drunk driver were all it took to send Jimmy’s life into a tailspin.”
Ohhh I love this one. I totally got it from the first read. You make it look so easy.
Pitchiquette question: Is it important to say MG or YA or whatever at the start of the pitch so the agents will know if it’s in their category? If not, here’s the latest version of mine.
#PitMad Kidnap! I get my tough ex-pal to take me into the hills to rescue my dream girl. Mistake. He’s in on the plot and plans to kill me.
So far I like Amber’s because of the tension it generates.
I agree – I really like Amber’s too.
Instead of “I,” maybe state the MC’s name. John (or whatever it is) recruits his tough ex-pal… I might even rephrase with “Mikstake; he’s in on the plot to kill me.”
Good luck!
Thanks Jennifer, I’ll do some experimenting with that.
I had extra characters so I added the MG to my example. You don’t need it but if you can fit, you should.
Here’s mine:
#PitMad Freed from prison to fight terrorists, Naomi must ally herself with a gang member whose own loyalties are questionable.
Is there any way “own loyalties are questionable” could be more specific?
Yes. Revised slightly based on your comment.
#PitMad Freed from prison to fight terrorists, Naomi must ally herself with a boy torn between his loyalties to her and his street gang.
I like that. I also think this might work too:
#PitMad Freed from prison to track terrorists, Naomi allies with a boy torn between his loyalties to his street gang and his love for her
I like what Jennifer came up with. Nice!
Nice Ellen. A few twists from original and down–way to go.
Two nymphs awaken after two centuries to battle over 16-yr old Alexander who could save the earth from impending cataclysm. #pitmad
Why are they battling over him? Is one nymph good, the other bad? Maybe clarifying this would help.
Hi Jennifer,
Thanks for your feedback. Yes, exactly: one wants to use him to set herself free from her immortality, the other wants to use him to save the earth from widespread destruction. Am trying to figure out how to get that into the remaining 9 words. (!)
Perhaps something like “Alexander is wanted by two opposing nymphs – one wants to be set free from immortality. The other, save the earth from destruction #pitmad.” 2 characters to spare.
Oh my goodness, that’s amazing. How can I repay you? In virtual chocolate chip cookies?
Jennifer’s alternative pitch sounds really good!
That sounds wonderful! Thanks
Hi – sorry if I sound dumb but I’m new to twitter and I just came across this site. I kinda get what its all about but could somebody explain what I need to do to have a go? and any rules?
Hello, Netta. If you have a completed fiction novel you would like to pitch to agents participating in Pitch Madness, you can write a pitch of 150 characters (hashtag #Pitmad included) and pitch it Sept13th on Twitter. Do you know how to follow hashtags?
No sorry I’m a complete twitter dunce. So do I just post it as I would a normal post with #pitmad at the end on the 13th?
No worries! I like to use tweetchat.com to follow hashtags. So, on Sept 13th 8am-8pm NY time, you’ll use tweetchat to watch when an agent is using the hashtag. When an agent is on, post your pitch with the hashtag. The official rules are here: http://brenleedrake.blogspot.com/2012/09/pitch-madness-game-on.html
Oh thank you so much for that. I’ll check it out – now I’ll need a bit of help with my pitch haha.
Amanda was abused as a child by a pedophile ring. Her abusers begin turning up murdered and the finger points to her. Then she’s diagnosed with a Multiple personality disorder. She now doubts herself.
Amanda’s childhood abusers are murdered and the finger points to her. After a diagnosis from her shrink she begins to doubt herself.#pitmad
Netta–I don’t see a reply spot for your comment. But i think “Amanda’s childhood abusers are murdered and the finger points to her.” Is really good AND short. Why can’t i see shortness in my own??
Karen, it is usually easier to critique other’s work instead of your own since you’re not as connected with the work. And I like your version!
I also tried this:
Amanda’s childhood abusers are murdered and the blame’s on her. With multiple personality disorder, she can’t remember if it’s true #pidmad
It really is. Amazing the way our brains work–or don’t.
Thanks heaps guys – that sounds great Jennifer.
And also – thanks heaps for the help yesterday.
Oh, and Netta, I apologize. It is 140 characters, not 150.
Okay…here goes:
Grandma left behind a medicine book with the key to her return, but only if Abegale can clear her cottage of the new occupants in time. #pitmad
I think this is too vague. What new occupants? And “key to her return” confused me. Is she moving out or just gone for the weekend? And since you start with “grandma” I thought the story was about her. Throw another one out there. What are the stakes?
Thanks!
Abegale discovers the medicine book grandma left before disappearing in the Andes, and maybe a way to bring her back, if Abegale can enlist the help of an “old friend” of grandma’s she doesn’t trust.
(Aghh–so tough and too long for #pitmad Workshop me!)
You just need enough to set the stakes. How about–
Abegale discovers the medicine book grandma left behind before disappearing in the Andes. It may be a way to bring her back, but she’ll need the help of a shady friend. (How many is that?) You can always stope at “it may be a way to bring her back.”
Remarkable talent you have.
I get it. I never want to miss any detail. But then i have vagueness issues. Yes, Okay. Just enough to set the stakes. I’ll be back. THANK YOU!
Here’s my original tagline–How in the world can i cut this short?
Abegale’s turning thirteen, and life has become as foreboding as the number itself, filled with may-not-be-human landladies, a missing grandmother who could be right under her nose, and a horrifying discovery at an abandoned cottage.
Oooo I love the new version. Here’s what I came up with just to shorten it.
Abegale’s thirteenth year is filled with may-not-be-human landladies and a missing grandmother who could be right under her nose.
Still leaves room for hashtag and seems just perfect for MG!! Good luck!
THANK YOU so much Amber! I have this tagline up on another contest, wasn’t sure which angle to take–you certainly helped me select this one. Many thanks. Now, I can focus. I’m going to tweet the heck out of this pitch workshop. LOVE you guys!
I really like Amber’s last revision. Yay!
Hate to do this. But I’m back on workshop- There is only one landlady-so my #pitch is incorrect. Here’s the newest:
Almost thirteen Abegale confronts a may-not-be-human landlady and discovers her missing grandmother could be right under her nose.#pitmad
I don’t really like the “almost thirteen” but i want to get across she’s having a BD real soon and number 13 works into the MS. Should i even put the age into the #pitmad tweet. I could just type MG?? THANKS YOU Gals!!!
I’m sticking to Amber’s suggestion with a slight tweek:
“Abegale’s thirteenth year introduces a creepy may-not-be-human landlady and a missing grandmother who could be right under her nose.#pitmad ” (0 characters left)
Thank you everyone who helped. And Best Luck on twitter tomorrow!
Teen can prove her best friend’s the daughter of a famous fashion designer, but she must keep quiet or risk being sent to juvie by a corrupt attorney.
Teen can prove her BFF’s the daughter of a famous designer, but if she tells she risks losing her friend and being sent to juvie. #pitmad
Trying to make it better
I don’t understand how she’d end up in juvie… and why would she tell on her friend? Is she a popularity junkie?
Sorry, I should probably note this is for Robbin
Amber, good points. BFF doesn’t know she is adopted, so she really isn’t telling on her. Would you tell your best friend she was adopted if she didn’t know?
Let me think some more …. THANK YOU!!!
Teen wants to pull the plug on an adoption secret involving her BFF, only a corrupt attorney threatens her with juvie. #pitmad
Teen wants to pull the plug on an adoption secret involving a famous designer and her BFF, only a corrupt attorney threatens her with juvie. #pitmad
-OR-
Teen wants to pull the plug on a famous adoption secret involving her BFF, only a corrupt attorney threatens her with juvie. #pitmad
This one! To say “famous adoption story” makes me thinks the story is famous–not the people. So saying “adoption story involving famous___” works better IMO
best of luck!
Amber, I love your humble opinion. You are sweet! Thank you.
Teen wants to pull the plug on adoption secrecy involving a famous designer, but a corrupt attorney threatens her with juvie. #pitmad
One more question – is it better to say famous person or BFF?
I like this. I’m getting a picture now.
Thanks Karen
Robbin, I would personally use the characters name instead of teen. Other than that, it’s good! And I like famous more than BFF.
Jennifer, thank you, thank you, thank you! I love it!
Taylor wants to pull the plug on adoption secrecy involving a famous designer, but a corrupt attorney threatens her with juvie. #pitmad
Excellent Work Robbin. Love this workshop!
@Robbin
I love the new version, my only question is– why does it matter so much to her to tell about the adoption. Which is why I think you should mention the adoption involves her friend. This way we understand her friend might be the daughter of someone famous, but she can’t tell.
Maybe try–
Taylor knows a secret involving her BFFs adoption and a famous designer, but a currupt attorney threatens her with juvie if she spills. (How many characters is that? I think it might be too many. Ack)
Oh and, def. mention Taylor’s name–I so thought her name was Teen or I would have mentioned that
haha
Oh, I got it!!
Taylor knows a secret about her BFF’s adoption. But a corrupt attorney threatens her with juvie if she spills about the famous mother#Pitmad
Amber, just got home – meeting! Late. Like! I’ll shoot another version tomorrow
Thank you!!
THANK you for doing this. I need serious help. This is what I have:
PNR #PItMad Tracking down a rogue Were, Mona discovers the lies of omission her boss committed about her job. A big-deal-lifetime-omission.
Try number two.
(don’t worry I have very thick skin) Think this is too flat though.
PNR #pitmad Tracking down a rogue Were, Mona accidentally discovers the lifetime-commitment part of Warding Folk her boss kept secret.
#pitmad Tracking down a rogue Were, Mona discovers the lifetime-commitment (stronger word that “part” maybe “corruption” or something) of Warding Folk her boss keeps secret.
Should I know what a Were is, or Warding Folk?
This is all last third of the book though, and I’m thinking I should be focusing on the first third, the evil doer who is capturing those with shifter blood and forcing them to shift or die trying.
Thanks so much I’m just too close to this. Let me tweak this again and see if it makes more sense.
Oh! How does this sound? (do I need the PNR? If I don’t it’s exactly 140!)
PNR #pitmad Mona wants to help shifters stay hidden, but she didn’t know she’d be jailor for life. Is her freedom worth more than others safety?
The version below here is the best yet. And I would definitely focus on the beginning of the story, the inciting incident that starts the ball rolling. And I don’t think you need the PNR. I didn’t put a genre in my pitch.
This one is good!
#pitmad Mona wants to help shifters stay hidden, but she didn’t know she’d be jailor for life. Is her freedom worth more than others safety?
I would ask yourself “What is the heart of my story” and go from there. Who is she, or what situation is she in, and what are the stakes for her? The most important, now.
I’m confused. Is it: Tracking down a rogue Were, Mona discovers the lies her boss committed about her job (think we need something specific here). A big-deal-lifetime-omission. (and definitely need to know what this was.) Good luck. It’s difficult I know.
Ellie, it seems easier to get the full message across (adding those extra details) and then shortening it. So this is the first step. Here we go!
I would like to post my revision here for new commenters. Please let me know what you think!
#pitmad After falling for a drug abuser, Lilly questions if life unfolds according to fate, or if free will shapes our lives.
I might just drop “shapes our lives.”
After falling for a drug abuser, Lilly questions if life unfolds according to fate or free will.
Amazing change by the way
Nice. I’m intrigued!
My first question – is Lilly a good girl? She is a former user? Why is she questioning fate? Need bigger picture. Sounds like good girl falls for bad boy. Fate or doomed? Not sure I’m getting the free-will part. Yes, her choices shape her future/life. What point are you trying to make? She was meant to fall in love with a drug abuser? Need more info
Lilly is a good, Christian girl who believes life is dictated by God’s Will. Parker is a realist and drug abuser who makes her believe more in free will than in fate. The point is that humans make their own life, whereas before, she would have believed she was meant to fall in love with him.
Lilly, hang in there with me – don’t get mad at all my questions. If Lilly believes in God – then she does believe in free will, right? God gives us free will. So are you saying Parker deepens her relationship with God? I’m confused. Parker is living his life in sin, right? Without God, humans live their lives free to do whatever they want. How is Parking changing Lilly’s relationship with God? I’m not sure I’m following. What is making Lilly change? What is Lilly’s goal? Trying to help!
No worries.
Lilly believes that God preordains everything that is to happen. So, there might be free will, but she amounts it to “God intended this to happen.” Parker convinces her that God DOES NOT have a plan for anyone, and thus Lilly realizes that her choices are her own. From there, she takes on the responsibility of creating a good life through her own will, and tries to get Parker to do the same (since he’s abusing drugs).
This might not be “true” to a believer, but this is the plot of my novel.
Jennifer,
This is what I have so far… (still thinking)
Lilly’s Christian/religious beliefs are shattered when she falls for a drug abuser,
#pitmad After falling for a drug abuser, 16 y/o Lilly realizes that free will shapes our lives, and seeks to help Parker live with purpose.
Three kids trade a corndog (FLAVOR) for a spaceship, blast off into space (OPENING CONFLICT), accidentally break the universe (OBSTACLE), and have to find their way back home (QUEST)
Might look something like this:
#pitmad Lilly’s sure of God’s plan until she falls for a drug abuser. Her view of free will changed, she strives to create a purposeful life
Brilliant!
#pitmad After falling for a drug abuser, sixteen-year-old Lilly questions if life unfolds according to God’s Plan or free will
Jennifer,
I had no idea your logline was YA. I think for logline purposes you can say: 16-yr. old Lilly.
Try to plug this formula into your logline. What is Lilly’s CONFLICT? What is her OBSTACLE? What is her GOAL/QUEST?
When x happens, (main character) must do y in order to z.
Three kids trade a corndog (FLAVOR) for a spaceship, blast off into space (OPENING CONFLICT), accidentally break the universe (OBSTACLE), and have to find their way back home (QUEST)
I don’t know if this works, but how about
#pitmad After falling for a drug abuser, 16 y/o Lilly realizes that free will shapes our lives, and seeks to help Parker live with purpose.
#pitmad Lilly’s sure of God’s Plan until falling for a drug abuser. Now, believing in free will, she strives to create a purposeful life.
I like it, but you may want to clarify how much of an obstacle paradigm shift this is for her. (you’ll need to double check the character count.)
#pitmad Lilly’s sure of God’s Plan until falling for a drug abuser. Now believing in free will, she wonders her purpose in life.
Jennifer,
Sorry – late night meeting.
Lilly abandon’s her faith to follow her heart, a choice she must live with forever. Until she dies.
Glad others are helping. This is deep with lots of different view points. Only you know what your story is about. I’m still confused about the ending. What about eternity? What does Lilly believe? You are making progress
No worries. The newest version is:
#PitMad Lilly’s sure of God’s Plan until falling for a drug abuser. Now she strives to create a purposeful life in order to inspire his.
Eternity is uncertain. The only certain thing (perhaps) is that we have the power to heal or to destroy, and we must choose how we leave our mark on this world.
Thalia knows the real target of a serial killer, but revealing his mission will expose her true identity as the world’s last dragon. #pitmad
Man, that’s hard, but that’s exactly 140 characters.
I really like this mittensmorgul. The only thing is the MC age… I have no idea what age or genre based on this.
Hmm. how about this:
Thalia knows the real target of a serial killer, but stopping him will reveal her true identity: the world’s last dragon. AdultUF #pitmad
Maybe add a bit more tension and consolidate what you have so you can add more of the stakes?
Stopping a serial killer would reveal Thalia’s identity as the world’s last dragon. …………..add stake here, I think.
Thank you for the opportunity to sort these out! Here’s mine:
16yo Yessica threw herself into the Grand Canyon. Bianca was supposed to jump too. Now she’s afraid someone might find out. #PitMad
I’m confused which is the MC and did Yessica die? Maybe write more and we can narrow it down
They’re both MCs, it’s a dual-perspective book.
So Bianca is the main character? I assume she feels guilty because her friend is now dead? Sorry if this sounds silly, but it is such a hard thing to judge an entire novel from 140 characters!
If Bianca is the MC, I wouldn’t mention Yessica first. Maybe:
16yo Bianca was supposed to follow her best friend off the edge of the Grand Canyon. Now she’s afraid someone might find out. #PitMad
You still have some letters left over…
They’re both main characters, since it is a dual perspective book.
If that’s the case, in the twit pitch I’d think about naming the one who is the main character in your first chapter. So if you do get a request the name is already in the agent’s mind.
Just an idea to help narrow down the choice.
That is who is first in this, too. Though I see how “now” might be confusing?
When 16yo Yessica threw herself into the Grand Canyon, her best friend was supposed to jump too. Now they’re afraid someone knows. #pitmad
So I take it that it’s not clear that Yessica is dead?
Okay, in the first pitch, yes, I assumed whoever threw themselves over the cliff died. But when asked about the main character you said:
Which made me think one survived. Right now it’s VERY confusing with your both saying one died and both are main characters.
Which makes me wonder…Is this jumping at the start of the novel? At the end? From the pitch, I’d expect it’s an event at the start of the book OR immediately before the start. If it’s NOT then you need to rethink this pitch, IMO and focus on events leading up to it, rather than the jump. Do you have a longer query/blurb you can share to help us understand what is going on?
This leaves too much open. Why would she jump into the Grand Canyon in the first place?
Here’s my latest draft with the hashtag and genre. (If a memoir repping agent happens to stop by)
YA memoir- Amber’s mission is to make sure she’s the last victim in a string of rapes. If the system can’t ensure this, a gun will. #PitMad
I personally loved the original. It was so raw and cut-throat (in a good way!)
Amber will stop at nothing to make sure she’s the last victim in a string of rapes. If the system can’t ensure that, a gun will.
How about
15yo Amber will stop at nothing to make sure she’s the last victim in a string of rapes. If the system can’t ensure that, a gun will.#PitMad
It just seems so weird to pitch without genre.
I think adding the age is good! Now, imho, this is perfect and done
Are you able to enter after all?
Brenda tweeted that it depends on which agents play… But how does it work? Do the agents tweet what genres they rep? I need to find an old twitter pitch and research
I agree with Jennifer. The original sounds so much better. It has more punch to it
This never ends… but let’s try this!
#pitmad Lilly’s sure of God’s Plan until falling for a drug abuser. Now, trusting in free will, she strives to create a purposeful life.
I think this needs something… hopefully someone else will chime in but how about:
#pitmad Lilly’s sure God’s planned everything; until she falls for a drug addict. But in embracing free will, her purpose in life is unclear
ack,think that’s a move backwards.
#pitmad Lilly’s sure God’s planned everything; until she falls for a drug addict. But in embracing free will, she seeks to live with purpose (or something)
What does Lilly do to create a purposeful life? “purposeful life” alone doesn’t catch my eye, but the relationship with the drug abuser does.
That’s what I’m thinking, too. She wants to inspire Parker to live a better life since she now knows his fate is in his own hands. In other words: He isn’t meant to be this way, he chooses to.
Ahhhh, I understand more now.
What about:
Lilly’s sure of God’s Plan until falling for a drug abuser. Now she strives to create a purposeful life, and [something] his.
That way it shoes her actions are meant to influence not just her own life, but his as well?
#PitMad Lilly’s sure of God’s Plan until falling for a drug abuser. Now she strives to create a purposeful life in order to inspire his.
#PitMad Lilly’s sure of God’s Plan until falling for a drug abuser. Determined to make her own path, she finds a new purpose in helping him.
Still think you need more tension/indicate how hard it was for her to change her world view. There’s not enough tension, I don’t think. JMO
I’m not sure how to do that in 140 characters.
I know!!!! Here’s a possible start, but I cant for the life of me think of a strong ending.
#pitmad Lilly falls for a drug abuser only to have her belief in God’s role in the world shattered.
That was an “I know” as in I know how you’re feeling, not that I know the answer :-s Probably shouldn’t have posted so late.
Okay, here’s my latest revision:
#pitmad Mona wants to help shifters stay hidden, but she didn’t know she’d be jailor for life. Is her freedom worth more than others safety?
It’s pretty good. Jailer is the usual spelling, others’ should have an apostrophe.
Thanks, missed I had jailer wrong! Here’s it tweaked (again!):
#pitmad Mona wants to help shifters stay hidden, but being jailer for life wasn’t part of the plan. Is her freedom worth more than their safety?
I’d really stear clear of questions. I know agents hate them in queries. I can imagine it’s the same for pitches. But I’m no expert
Ellie, I’ve heard to stay away from questions as well, but there is always the exception to the rule
I’m not connecting the jailer for life to freedom? How can she free them if she’s jailed for life? Am I missing something?
She’s jailer not jailed. Think I need to change the word (being) and the question. Hmmm, just a sec.
#pitmad Mona is committed to keeping mortals safe by hiding shifters & magic. But the role of jailer-for-life wasn’t in the job description.
#1 Taylor knows a secret about her BFF’s adoption. But a corrupt attorney threatens her with juvie if she spills the famous mother. #pitmad
#2 Taylor discovers adoption papers proving her BFF’s famous identity. But a corrupt attorney threatens her with juvie if she talks. #pitmad
Which one do you like better? THANK YOU!!!
I prefer #2. The line “if she spills the famous mother” doesn’t make sense. It should be if she spills ABOUT the famous mother
good luck!
Thanks Amber. Good luck to you, too! I’m going to remove the identity.
Taylor discovers adoption papers proving her BFF’s famous. But a corrupt attorney threatens her with juvie if she talks. #pitmad
Yeah, I like #2 also for the same reasons stated
Go figure, but I like #1 better. I think it’s punchier if that makes sense. If spills doesn’t work, maybe reveals. But if it’s YA, I think spills is good. It feels like a teen voice with it. Is it a word the MC would use? Good luck!
Meredith,
I like the punchiness of the first one, too, but I can’t seem to get the words right.
ERRR!
I THINK THIS IS THE ONE
Thanks everyone!
Taylor discovers adoption papers proving her BFF’s famous. But a corrupt attorney threatens her with juvie if she blabs a word. #pitmad
I like this one! Good luck!!
(Think i added this to wrong spot -so here goes again) Hate to do this. But I’m back on workshop- There is only one landlady-so my #pitch is incorrect. Here’s the newest:
Almost thirteen Abegale confronts a may-not-be-human landlady and discovers her missing grandmother could be right under her nose.#pitmad
I don’t really like the “almost thirteen” but i want to get across she’s having a BD real soon and number 13 works into the MS. Should i even put the age into the #pitmad tweet. I could just type MG?? THANKS YOU Gals!!!
Karen,
I wouldn’t add almost thirteen – it doesn’t add anything to your logline (no pun intended).
Why would a kid confront a landlady? Kids usually don’t confront adults. The may-not-be-human landlady is wasting a lot of characters, and I’m not sure gives me enough information. May not be? Let’s get to the point.
Is Abegale without a family? Is she living in this cottage alone? Her goal is to find her grandmother, right? What is getting in her way – the mysterious landlady? What happens if she finds her grandmother? What happens if she doesn’t find her?
I’ll check back later. You have some intrigue, but not enough conflict to make me sit up straight. Make sense. Tell me more about this mysterious landlady? Is she a ghost? I hope you don’t mind all my questions – trying to help
Thanks! I will be right back. This is the one that got approval yesterday:
“Abegale’s thirteenth year is filled with may-not-be-human landladies and a missing grandmother who could be right under her nose.”
But i LIED! There is only ONE landlady. I basically want to say the same thing, but with one landlady, I don’t feel that the words “filled with” are appropriate.(?)
I’m back at the drawing board–I’m so bad–suppose to work on my Query. Thanks you wonderful word wizards!
How ’bout: “Abegale’s thirteenth year begins with a may-not-be-human landlady and a missing grandmother who could be right under her nose.” #Pitmad
Karen,
To save characters you could start:
MG. When x happens to Abegale, she must do y in order to z.
What is Abegale’s CONFLICT? What is her OBSTACLE? What is her GOAL?
Above you are telling me Abegale is 13 years old. She begins with a may-not-be-human landlady – What does that mean? Her grandmother is missing, and could be right under her nose – so where’s the conflict?
Try to answer the questions and write everything into a longer logline, then you can condense. Hope I’m helping you and not making you crazy
Okay, okay–not crazy, yet.
“Abegale’s grandmother disappeared in the Andes three years ago, now a strange old woman tells her grandma’s been nearby all along. #pitmad ” Closer? I have two characters left. Thanks Robbin!
This is Upper MG btw.
Karen,
Closer, but we need more…
Abegale’s grandma’s lost in the Andes. When a strange old woman knows her whereabouts . . .
What’s the big deal? Abegale’s grandma is lost in the Andes (3 yrs. – not sure that matters for the logline). A strange old woman knows her whereabouts. Now What? What’s going to make me want to read more? Next, you say she’s been close to home all along? Then, why do I need to read? Sorry. We need a bigger cliffhanger for the ending. Something at stake for Abegale. What happens to Abegale?
Hi Karen! I think you can combine those two sentences into one…
When Abegale finds out her missing grandma was under her nose all along, …(what must she do)
Hope this helps!
OMG–This is So Hard. My brain is twisted. Thanks ladies–i should have stuck with Amber’s suggestion above, but since there is only one landlady–it’s not accurate. Maybe I’ll write in another landlady, so i don’t have to change the pitch/ haha…hm?
THANKS EVERYONE HERE for all the help. Though i wound up using a pitch that occurred to me as the #pitmad feed was live–I got a request from an Agent!!! Yipee! here’s the pitch i went with:
“Abegale finds grandmother’s medicine book, but can she use it to bring her home before she’s trapped for eternity on the solstice?#pitmad MG”
This was GREAT, absolutely wonderful. Good luck. I enjoyed everyone’s pitches here.
#PitMad Lilly’s sure of God’s Plan until falling for a drug abuser. Now, she strives to lead a purposeful life in order to inspire his.
Hi Jennifer! I read your some of your entries above, and I think you’re getting closer, but I think you need to state the main stake. What if she doesn’t choose to inspire him? Will she lose him?
Jennifer, I think the point we’re trying to make is: a lot of people walk away from God and live a good honest life. You need to raise the stakes. Walking away from God to follow a bad boy is not enough. Girls do that all the time.
I like your opening:
Lily’s sure of God’s Plan until falling for a drug abuser. Changing him is not an option, but leaving him will kill her.
Something like that?
Thanks!
#pitmad Lilly’s sure of God’s Plan until falling for a drug abuser. Changing him is the only option, but succeeding will also destroy her.
What about: PitMad Lilly’s sure of God’s Plan until falling for a drug abuser leads her to inspire his. (? It’s yours, just cut a little )
Well, Robbin said that the stakes weren’t high enough, so I rewrote it as:
#pitmad Lilly’s sure of God’s Plan until falling for a drug abuser. Changing him is the only option, but succeeding will also destroy her.
What do you think?
Yes!!! You just up’d the stakes big time!!! WAY TO GO! I like it
LOVE this!!
Yes, love this
Hi everyone! Here’s my attempt!! Thanks for this post Becca!
#PitMad Caught red-handed with three boyfriends, Dena must prove she’s a good girl and receive forgiveness or she’ll lose the one she loves.
Or is this better?
#PitMad Caught red-handed with three boyfriends, Dena must prove she’s really a good girl and be forgiven or she’ll lose the one she loves.
What genre is this? Maybe juggling three boys instead of caught red-handed with three boyfriends, which could also mean minajatwa/threesome. How does Dena prove she’s a good girl? What does that even mean? She cuts out carbs? Who is she needing forgiveness from? Why? Cheating on all three guys, but when she falls hard for another (is the one she loves one of the three guys? Or did she find someone new?) There’s some good stuff here, but not clear. Tell us more and then we can cut back. I like!
Robbin, this is YA Romance. I want that somewhere in the pitch so it’s understood that she’s totally over her head. That she’s just a girl who didn’t know what to do with all of the attention.
Juggling might be a better word! Will think on it and post below.
You need to avoid cliches like “good girl’ (also ‘red-handed). What exact are the stakes? why is having three boyfriends bad? Who is she proving this to? Also what genre is this? Because being caught red-handed in a teen tends to mean something very different than the menage it implies if it’s adult (erotic).
#PitMad Juggling 3 boyfriends was hard enough, but when Dena’s discovered, she must show her steadfastness or loose the one she loves . (this is too long but is that closer?)
Thank you! Will post another below!
Got rid of the question. How is this looking?
#pitmad Mona is committed to keeping mortals safe by hiding shifters & magic. But the role of jailer-for-life wasn’t in the job description.
I’m still not getting the goal. Mona hides shifters and magic. I don’t understand the role of jailer-for-life? How does she fall into that role? How does she get out? What is the outcome? She hides these people and then get’s thrown in jail, right? So now what? The first half is fine, but we’re missing the goal. What is she hiding them from? What is the conflict? Do you see where I’m coming from?
Hmm, not sure why jailer-for life keeps getting inferred as her being in jail, Robbin. A Jailer is someone who watches over people in jail.
But even though it’s clear to me, if it’s confusing to everyone else I need to change it up. And add more conflict too… (thank you, this is very helpful!!!)
#pitmad PNR Told that her job is to confine & guard a shifter for life, Mona faces loosing her freedom & her mate unless she can change the rules
I like that one! Nice work. Who told her? Maybe: Mona’s job to confine & guard a shifter for life costs her freedom & mate, unless she can change the rules
Part of the tension in the book is she doesn’t discover it’s part of the job she’s ‘fit’ for until after she agrees to take on the job.
I like this one! but i believe it’s spelling ‘losing’ not ‘loosing’ (you get to take off one character at least) =)
Latest version:
#pitmad PNR Learning her fate is to confine & guard an elf for life Mona faces loosing her freedom & mate, unless she can change the rules
the ‘elf for life’ part is throwing me off. I think I like Robbin’s best—Mona’s job to confine & guard a shifter for life costs her freedom & mate, unless she can change the rules
Of all the versions, I like this one the best:
#pitmad PNR Told that her job is to confine & guard a shifter for life, Mona faces loosing her freedom & her mate unless she can change the rules.
It’s a little bit of a tongue twister to start with “Told that her job” but all of the parts of the pitch are here!
Hey guys. Some excellent pitches here!!! Just a tip: Make sure you have variations of your pitch for the contest. Twitter won’t let you tweet the same exact thing more than once. You can move #PitchMad to the beginning or end. Change a word or order, but be prepared. I learned this the hard way ;o)
GOOD LUCK to all of you!!
Erica,
Oh wow, thanks for the heads up. I had no idea.
Erica,
Thanks for the heads up! Can you explain how this works? Agents, editors, publishers twitter and when you see one that fits your genre, you twitter you logline?
So we need to be stalking #pitmad all day?
Thanks again!
Robbin
Dang! Thanks for the heads up, I’d totally forgotten about that, it’s been a bit since I’ve done a twitter pitch party.
From what I’ve seen, many of the agents do go back a look at old tweets, but given the likely quantity of tweets going out under the #pitmad hashtag, you’ll want to make sure you have a current tweet up when an agent whose attention you want is there.
For instance brenda may tweet ‘so-and-so is looking over tweets right now at #pitmad’ so, if that’s someone you think would like your work – you tweet. Or the agent them self may say ‘i’m over at #pitmad…..” One thing you *don’t* want to do is tweet yours all the time – don’t schedule it to automatically go out every twenty minutes or ten or even give into the temptation to send it _right again_ because you just saw an agent is online NOW who you were sure would love your piece! It’s a fine line between promoting yourself so you get noticed and stridently hawking your wares in an off putting manner.
If you can set up a stream on twitter (or tweetdeck or hootsuite) and follow the hashtag, that’s the best way to see what agents are out there and keep up on what is going on.
And yes, you’ll need to swtich things up in your tweet since you can’t tweet the same thing over and over – moving #pitmad from the start to the end gives you two options. If you have a category like MG or YA in your tweet that’s helpful since you can move that around too giving you a lot more options.
If it’s not too late you can leave two extra spaces (i.e. make it so the entire thing, including #pitmad is 138 characters) so you can put a symbol (&, *, %,) space then your tweet to help create a ‘new’ tweet each time:
! #Pitmad YOUR TWEET
* #Pitmad YOUR TWEET
I’ll probably end up using my question one to simply change things up.
Good luck! I’m off to find two spaces in mine to try to work with. Sigh.
wow great suggestions! I’m going use them!
Here’s mine: It’s been over sixty years since Lucy last killed. The only difference
is now instead of taking lives, she’s taking souls.
I like, but why now? What happens to Lucy if she can’t kill? What is at stake for Lucy? The concept is good.
Thing is, it’s sixty years later because she’s become a grim reaper and there’s too much explanation for the time frame. But that’s the whole story basically. She used to be a gun for hire, but now she takes souls.
I LOVE THE SHE USED TO BE A GUN FOR HIRE!! You need to have that in your logline. Is 60 years standard for grim reapers? I don’t read that genre-sorry. Will you readers understand without saying she is a grim reaper?
Good point. How about: #1—After assassin Lucy Hamilton was murdered by her lover, she welcomed Death. What she didn’t expect was to become one. #pitmad
#2—Assassin Lucy Hamilton died young and was recruited to be Death. Now instead of taking lives, she’s taking souls. #pitmad
And I’ll add Ad/Para in there somehow to include genre
I really like a combination. What happens to the lover who murdered her? Is she getting even? Is his life at risk?
After assassin Lucy Hamilton was murdered by her lover. Now instead of taking lives, she’s taking souls.
You can fix it better
I just wanted to combine the two. But I still want to know is her ex-lover.
ARG! These are so hard!
How about this—After assassin Lucy was killed by her lover, she became a reaper. But even in death, she can’t escape him—he’s become one too. #pitmad
Almost there.
After assassin Lucy was killed by her lover, she became a reaper. But even in death, she can’t escape him. [Now what happens if she can't escape him? What happens if she can? What happens to Lucy?] You are already telling us he became one too, since she can’t escape him. Make sense? This is really good!
Can you add more tension/conflict in the second sentence?
?? This is too long/awkward but gives an example of tension/conflict: After assassin Lucy was killed by her lover, she became a reaper. When he becomes one too Lucy can’t escape him so she plots her revenge. #pitmad
The problem is the dang character limit on twitter. But yes, she can’t escape him because he has become a reaper too. So if that’s what you’re getting from it, I got my message across. @Ellie – she doesn’t plot revenge of any sort. If anything, he tries to gain her forgiveness
When x happens, (Lucy) must do y in order to z
After assassin Lucy was killed by her lover, she became a reaper. But even in death, she can’t escape him.
What must Lucy do in order to escape him? What is her quest? We have conflict. We have obstacle. We don’t have quest.
I see what you mean now. I posted a new one with the quest below
I came up with this (to give it more tension)—After assassin Lucy was killed by her lover, she became a reaper. As luck would have it, he became one too. Can Lucy forgive him? #pitmad
I really loved Ellie’s opening…
Assassin Lucy becomes a Reaper after her lover killed her. But when he follows her, she must chose to forgive him or not. #pitmad
Assassin Lucy becomes a Reaper after her lover killed her. But when he becomes one too, she must chose to forgive him or not. #pitmad
I love yours Ellie! But it isn’t giving me as much punch as I want. I tweaked it a bit. How about this?
Assassin Lucy became Death after her lover killed her. As luck would have it, he becomes one too. Can she forgive the unforgivable? #pitmad
Love it–Very punchy!
It was just a guess/suggestion to add tension.
this work for you? Assassin Lucy became a Reaper after her lover killed her. He becomes one too & asks her to forgive the unforgivable. #pitmad
Robbin- I love yours too! lol I can’t choose which one to go with!
#1 Assassin Lucy became Death after her lover killed her. But when he becomes one too, she must choose to forgive him or not. #pitmad
#2 Assassin Lucy became Death after her lover killed her. As luck would have it, he becomes one too. Can she forgive the unforgivable? #pitmad
I was told to avoid questions, although I think they work so well for this!! it’s an ‘easy out’ to create tension. I kept writing it as a question too!!
Ellie is right to avoid questions, and I agree that a question fits so well in your logline. I like #2 – although what happened to Reaper? I like that better. Death is what happens to normal people, right?
Maybe:
Assassin Lucy becomes a Reaper after her lover killed her. As luck would have it, he dies too. Can she forgive the unforgivable? #pitmad
Well since the book is called Death’s List, really reaper and death are interchangeable as far as names go. Reaper, Grim Reaper, Death (using a capital for ‘d’ should make it clear it’s a title and not an action) So I think I’ll go with #2 – Assassin Lucy became Death after her lover killed her. As luck would have it, he becomes one too. Can she forgive the unforgivable? #pitmad
(If I put ‘a Reaper,’ I run out of character space)
Late to the game, but I like #2 as well! Well done!
I just wanted to give a heartfelt THANK YOU to Robbin and Ellie for all your help! If you guys ever need help, please don’t hesitate to ask. =)
Ah capital Death
works for me!! AWESOME work and nice logline 
Good luck!
thanks! you too!
Here’s my shiny new:
Abegale learns her missing grandmother is not dead, and she’s the only one who can bring her back, if she finds gram’s medicine book.#pitmad MG
?? dunno-it all starts to look the same to me. Thanks Ladies.
Wait! I just saw this after I posted:
Abegale learns she’s the only one who can bring her presumed dead grandmother home, if she finds and uses her medicine book in time.#pitmad
Last try for today (i think) I’m skinning this baby, here goes
“Abegale learns she’s the only one who can bring her dead grandmother home, if she finds and uses gram’s medicine book in time.#pitmad
(7 charact. left)
Abegale is the only one who can bring her dead grandmother home, if she finds gram’s medicine book before (BEFORE WHAT HAPPENS? Grandma’s already dead, right?)
So close – REALLY!!!! I don’t think you need the learns… get right to the meat.
well, she’s not dead. She’s presumed dead after 3 years- after disappearing in the Andes –Trying again.
Before grandma’s trapped in the fabric between time and space–but we don’t learn this till near the end. I’m stumped. I may just go back to my original …
I agree, you’re so close! Just answer in time for what?
I put my original and now buffed version up above in the thread where Amber was critiquing. THANKs so much gals for taking the time to help. Good Luck with all your pitches and maybe see them tomorrow on twitter for #pitmad Yay!
Here I go again!
#PitMad YARom-Caught juggling three boyfriends, Dena must prove she’s really not a player and be forgiven by them or lose the one she loves.
Tif,
Here’s a thought? Not sure it will work, but you have room to play with more words.
When Dena gets caught juggling three guys, her “let’s be friends” explanation must work or she’ll lose #1. #pitmad
#pitmad Lilly’s sure of God’s Plan until falling for a drug abuser. Changing him is the only option, but succeeding will also destroy her.
LIke, like, like!!
Ooh niice!
Jimmy is heralded as the new saviour of the tree-descendant humans of Ulfitron. The problem: He is the villain reincarnated. #pitmad
I like this a lot and would certainly ask for more pages. Good luck!
Love the start, the twist, but I think ‘the villain’ is too unclear – the villain, there’s only one? It’s not A villain? their villain? Oh, I’d change it to ‘their’ villain. With the reincarnation already there, I think that sounds better.
Hello everyone! Who else is up at 5 AM PST? Let’s get coffee!
I’m on the east coast, so it’s more reasonable, but I’ve still got coffee by my side. Already screwed up my first post, pasted the pitch where I hadn’t corrected “loosing” to “losing” yet. Ack.
At least you have many chances today! Good luck!
Twitter keeps telling me “You’ve already posted that tweet.” I know, Twitter, that’s the point.
Today’s probably not the day to experiment, but I use another program – Hootsuite (although I’ve heard Tweetdeck is better) – and I don’t get those retweet warnings. You do have to worry about getting your account marked as spam if you send out a lot of the same tweets, so anything you can do to switch it up is good.
Woohoo!! I see Karen’s got a request! How are people doing?
THANKS EVERYONE HERE for all the help. Though i wound up using a pitch that occurred to me as the #pitmad feed was live–I got a request from an Agent!!! Yipee! here’s the pitch i went with:
“Abegale finds grandmother’s medicine book, but can she use it to bring her home before she’s trapped for eternity on the solstice?#pitmad MG”
This was GREAT, absolutely wonderful. Good luck. I enjoyed everyone’s pitches here. XX
Lots of you got requests – Congrats!!!! I GOT NOTHING
I tried!!! I’ll keep trying until I have to leave work.
I just got a request – the agent Favorited my Tweet, but I don’t see her anywhere. How do I find out what she is requesting? HELP!!!
Yahoo! Go to her twitter stream and see if she says there what she wants if she’s favorited your tweet.
I don’t have anything yet, either! We’ll keep on keepin’ on.
Jenn – a late tweak — does this work?
#pitmad YA Lilly’s sure God has a plan until falling for a drug abuser. He changes her view of fate, but helping him will destroy her
Thank you! I’ll try it!
Hi everyone!
Just wanted to say THANKS! for all your help! I received two requests during #pitmad! I really appreciate it!
Thanks Becca for the space to be able to do this!
xoxoxoxox
You’re welcome! Congrats on the requests!
You’re amazing. Even though I’m once again late to the party, I’ve been trolling the hashtag this morning and keep being astounded by how many typos and super easy fixes I’m seeing. Work shopping your pitch is CRUCIAL, y’all.
Keep up the good work, Becks!
And for anyone else who’d like a second opinion on their pitch, feel free to DM me at @Veronikaboom. Condensing words is somewhat of a specialty.